EU Declares War on Britain

Britain has violated the Human Rights Act and the Treaty on Peace and Love, and will be “destroyed with fire” EU Under-Commissioner on Human Rights and Goodness and Fishing Renegotiations in Region 2, Patrick van Woadhoone has announced.

Following the referendum shock, many have criticised Nigel Farage for being “a Nazi” and Boris Johnson for being”a fascist”, and called for both to be stoned to death by the Muslim Council for Brotherhood and Love in London.

“The European Project is too important to be derailed,” explained van Woadhoone to Brussels reporters early this morning, in his palatial office. Caressing a small boy, van Woadhoone laid out a 4-point plan to resolve the Brexit result.

Point 1: Crippling sanctions and a trade war against Britain. According to the EU Economics and Peace Council, this is “necessary to bring this mistaken people to the realisation that in a post-structuralist post-nation global economy, they cannot expect to reasonably prosper in fascist isolation.”

Point 2: Military intervention. The EU Commissioner for Peace and Cooperation told reporters: “The EU Army will intervene in a broad-spectrum approach, by sea and air initially, taking out major urban populations except London, and then the ground forces will move in to secure key positions and care for the populace. EU care-givers will move in to secure and dispose of terrorists and educate the population.”

Point 3: Public execution, following BBC show trials, of Nigel Farage, Michael Gove, Boris Johnson, and many other “ringleaders and terrorists.”

Point 4: Institution of a new EU democracy to replace the British fascist apparatus. Freedom squads will remove terrorists, including “Christians, white men, heterosexuals, and other far- right extremists”.

At this point, an elderly gentleman lurched into the office, smoking a cigar and naked but for a large tie, and told reporters: “Find him, get rid of him. I don’t care how it’s done, I don’t want to know, just get rid of him tonight.” Unfortunately, several cameras recorded footage of this private incident, violating EU Privacy Laws. Eye witnesses report that the man “absolutely wasn’t George Soros.”

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UK Armed Forces representatives suggested the EU Secret Army may experience “difficulties” invading England, since the aforementioned Secret Army would no longer include the British Army, Royal Marines, and associated Special Forces. “Come on then, man, you get fucking nutted man, we’ll put ye down, like” commented an anonymous source in the Special Boat Service.

David Cameron declined to comment.

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Brexit vote now “hate speech”

A Brexit would inevitably lead to Bremain, David Cameron has warned.

“We would have to look carefully at the political ramifications,” the PM told reporters this morning. “My duty is to serve the interests of the British people. This is the best country in the world, with the greatest history, traditions, pride, and all that could be thrown away by voting to leave the EU. Then, my duty would be to modify the results and present the British people with the correct decision, a decision made by Jean-Marie von Haalhezyk of the EU Commission on Region 3 Democratic Process and Development.”

Due to new EU regulations against hate speech, a Leave vote could also now be a criminal offence. “Look at the Dalai Lama,” Mr Cameron said. “He took a stand, against humanity, against supranational governance, against the Fourth Empire and international banking. He is now a hate criminal. He is on the wrong side of history.  He will, unfortunately, have to take the consequences of his hate speech.”

Speaking to the Frankfurter Allgemeine Zeitung last week, the Dalai Lama said: “Europe, for example Germany, cannot become an Arab country. Germany is Germany.”

Shortly afterwards, an EU police task force arrested the Dalai Lama and sent him on a military transport plane to China, where he will be executed following a fair trial.

“We cannot tolerate hate speech,” Mr Cameron insisted. “Those who vote to leave the EU are voting for nationalism, war, and hate, and by doing so they endanger the peace and prosperity of the entire world. They must face the consequences of their hate act. It is unfortunate that the Dalai Lama stood in the path of progress. Now he has been returned to Chinese jurisdiction, and we hope this will signal a new era of cooperation and harmony between the Chinese peoples and the peoples of a united Europe.”

As he was being bundled onto a military transport plane for extraordinary extradition and advanced interrogation in China, The Dalai Lama chuckled and told reporters: “I’ll be back.”

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Ali murder revelation shocks world

Mohammed Ali was the victim of a political assassination, David Cameron has revealed.

Speaking to journalists and Muslim representatives at a Brexit press conference, Cameron explained: “look, Brexit would be an economic nuke under your chair, while you’re having a simple kitchen supper. One moment you’re munching happily away on foie gras and caviar on crackers, the next you’re Hiroshimoed. Look, it’s simple, look, I mean, if you vote to leave, we’ll just rig the machines and lie and no one’ll ever be the wiser. What I mean is, I mean, Cthulhu WANTS you to vote Brexit, he’ll come out of the watery deeps and escalate this to another dimension. I mean, what I’m basically saying is, Brexit will kill Mohammed.”

Some of those present responded: “kill the white devil innit” and the atmosphere became, in the words of one journalist “tense”. Then the PM continued: “Mohammed Ali, of course. He passed away yesterday. Well, my sources, MI6 and chaps like that, indicate it wasn’t so simple. He was murdered. By Brexit. By populists and far-right extremists, white people basically, he was murdered by white people who don’t want to be part of the Fourth Empire, I mean, um, basically, I mean Nicholas Farage had Ali assassinated, because Farage and people like him are far-right hate-speaking white people, which is basically all white people isn’t it, you see, and they killed Ali because he was the Greatest, wasn’t he? So vote for Bremain and I can guarantee the return of Ali, and of Mohammed, yes, the Prophet will return if we stay in the Greater German Territories.”

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Mr Cameron then had to quickly leave, as several of those present began to threaten him with death and mutilation for “blasphemy”. Henriette Samstad-Rjelligen, Head of the EU Region 3 Committee on Peace and Joy clarified later: “The British PM has been under a great deal of strain recently, due to attempted assassinations by Brexnazis putting nuclear devices under his chair. He in no way believes Bremain will necessarily bring the Prophet, may his Name be forever holy, back, though a EU committee has not necessarily ruled it out, either. However, Brexit will lead to genocide and Mohammed Ali would, clearly, have voted to stay in the EU for greater independence, self-determination, and economic integration, and those who vote against Mohammed Ali slander the name of the Prophet and will be thrown off a mountain and then tied to the back of a goat and sodomized, in accordance with EU protocols for Regions 1 – 5 with special reference to Mandate 3.944i.”

Papal gaffe offends 1.6 billion people

Pope Francis has apologised to all Muslims everywhere for what has been condemned as “white CIS-gendered theology.” Speaking to the UN Ecumenical Commission and Sub-Committee for Region 3 on Monday, Pope Francis announced: “Christianity must engage with the entire world.  We Christians must show an inclusive and tolerant love of all humanity regardless of belief systems or lifestyle. Many are needlessly afraid of Islam – a beautiful religion which has spread peace and prosperity throughout the Middle East, Africa, Sweden. Today, I want to speak against this fear. We must understand Islam and our fellow human beings. In the contemporary world, Jesus is present in the faces of our neighbours, our Muslim neighbours who often live in terrible poverty, in warzones, where brother kills brother. We must build a just and equal society where our Muslim friends can take their place by our side. I have therefore canonized Mohammed. The great prophet of the religion of peace is now Saint Mohammed. Hallelujah! Let us rejoice together with all peoples!”

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Immediately afterwards, Mohammed al-Akhmad, Head of the European Union Council for International Cooperation and Peace  told reporters: “Two million dollar for man who kill this dog. He insult the Prophet he die now. Kill with machete, kill with the holy AK-47, kill with fist, kill with strangle, kill with drowning, kill with wild horse, kill with Taharrush, throw dog off building, crush dog with wall, wall must be stone and each stone square and not contaminate with Jew.”

The Huffington Post commented: “Pope Francis’ statement is a crass statement of privilege and whiteness. This is white CIS-gendered theology. By attempting to canonize the Prophet, he perpetuates the problematic and divisive stereotype, which can only lead to further tensions between the religion of peace and Western capitalism, going back to the Middle Ages, of crusaders discriminating – often violently but always from a position of power and unfair privilege – against Islam. This is precisely the kind of rhetoric Donald Trump expouses.”

Pope Francis responded by offering absolution for all sins, and a full apology to all Muslims. “This is an unfortunate misunderstanding,” he told reporters. “I feel only love and admiration for my Muslim children.”

Mohammed Bin Shariff, a prominent leader in the Muslim community, vowed “death and death and more death” to Pope Francis for his apology, adding: “It is not possible that this white devil had 1.6 billion children. I have ten wives, and I have taken many war brides, and even I am not having so many sons.”

Pope Francis was unavailable for comment.

 

Rebel realises he is The Man

Professional Marxist revolutionary Rupert Whittington, 58, has realised that he is, in fact, The Man.

“It came as quite a shock, yeah?” he told reporters on Friday evening, over a nice little dinner at the Auberge du Lion d’Or. Washing down foie gras and filet de bœuf « Angus » d’Irlande asperges vertes, poêlée de chanterelles, gnocchi dorés with a bottle of Moët & Chandon Dom Perignon White Gold, Whittington laughed off rumours that he has left his Marxist roots for a life of capitalist indulgence. “The struggle has to continue. There are literally tons of disenfranchised minorities,  blacks, gays, Pakis, lesbians, women, retards, Muslims, terrorists, I mean what Americans call terrorists, three-legged dogs, they have a lot of those in Greece, because of capitalism, and they have fleas so you shouldn’t touch them. And as a politically correct socially conscious human being, and a high-ranking member of the UN, it is my responsibility to continue the fight on their behalf.”

Whittington was born into a white middle class household. After graduating from Oxford, he made a career as a UN bureaucrat, presenting himself for decades as a poor, downtrodden, marginalised, starving, beaten, oppressed freedom fighter in a world full of rich fascists. “Then I realised I live in a 10-bedroom house, not a mansion by any means, actually we’re thinking of moving up the property ladder to a nice little chateau, has its own vineyard and we can get some Arab workers in cheap, but it’s quite nice all the same, and then there’s my little cottage in the country, and the Bentley, and I can send the sprogs to Harvard. My eldest, Tristan, just emptied a bucket of offal over a white professor. Little rascal!” Whittington helped himself to a generous soufflé léger aux framboises passionnées. “Yes, alas, I can no longer say of myself, I am extremely disadvantaged and oppressed, not like the old days where I just had an Audi and had to eat pizza, and drink that frightful rot they have in the supermarkets. I don’t know why people shop in supermarkets. And why does everyone think they need a car? It takes me an eon to drive to work in the morning. All these people in their Volkswagens. Why don’t they just take the bus, or stay at home?”

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Whittington waved across the restaurant at a red-faced man in an Armani suit. “That’s David. He’s a judge. All the judges and the politicians and the pigs, I mean the police, are on our side now, all good socially-conscious types, progressive. It is, with some surprise, that I must admit, I am ‘the Man’. But the fight must continue. Another drink? Don’t worry, it all goes on expenses anyway.”

As Whittington stumbled to his Bentley, he confided, “We are now in the position of the Allies in 1945. We have won. And we must treat the conservatives, the Christians, the white people, the fascists, as the Allies treated the Nazis and the Japs. Bomb them to extinction. Destroy their culture. We have a duty, a proud duty, an onerous proud duty, to stamp the Nazis down into the ground, to fight for the minorities. Look at all those Muslims in jail, 70% of prisoners in France are Muslim, that’s terrible, these poor people, we have to protect them, I have to nurture them. They can all live with me, that’s why I need a big car, to carry them all in the boot, and that’s why I need the chateau, and my wine cellar. Muslims don’t drink wine, do they? Must get some beer in, or whatever they fancy. Ciao!”


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Man arrested for drawing cartoon of arrest of arrest

A cartoonist has been arrested for drawing a cartoon of the arrest of a comedian who made a joke about the arrest of Markus Meechan, a North Lanarkshire call centre worker whose girlfriend owns a pug.

Meechan, 28, filmed his girlfriend’s pug raising its right paw as he called “Sieg Heil!” and “gas the Jews” . The 2 minute 23 second comedy clip has been viewed over a million times on youtube. Meechan begins the clip by stating: “My girlfriend is always ranting and raving about how cute and adorable her wee dog is. And so…I thought I would turn him into the least cute thing I could think of, which is a Nazi.” After approximately 2 minutes of chanting “do I gas the Jews?” at the dog, Meecham concludes: “I’m not a racist by the way, I just really wanted to piss her off.”

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The clip has been judged “funny as fook” by experts. However, Meechan was swiftly arrested by Scottish police for breaching the Communications Act of 2003. Detective Inspector David Cockburn announced: “This arrest should serve as a warning to anyone posting such material online, or in any other capacity, that such views will not be tolerated.”

The next day, Welsh comedian Thomas Thomas told a pub crowd: “My girlfriend hates me so she bought a pug. She called it ‘Gas the Jews’ and made me walk it. Little bugger gets off the lead so I call it and next thing I know there’s the constabulary arresting me for hate crimes. They killed the dog, though, so it’s not all bad.”

Thomas Thomas was arrested on stage and sentenced to 6 months for breaching the Public Order Act. Detective Inspector David Thomas stated: “Racism and hate speech will not be tolerated. The next time you want to open your mouth, think first – will it offend anyone? If so, we could be coming for you.”

This morning, London cartoonist Eli Goldbloom was arrested for drawing a cartoon of pugs in Gestapo uniform marching onto stage to arrest Thomas Thomas. He was severely beaten “resisting arrest” and his papers and computers were seized and destroyed. Under a prototype of the Government’s proposed anti-extremism act, he has been sentenced to 15 years solitary confinement in a small hole under a particularly unsanitary public toilet.

Detective Inspector David Osbourne stated: “Mr Goldbloom’s cartoon was crass and insensitive. Such behaviour will not be tolerated in a multicultural society. He hurt the feelings of the police, of pugs, of pug-owners, and of the Jewish community. We would like to reassure the public that we will remain vigilant in order to protect their feelings.”

When asked for a list of “things you can’t say”, DI Osbourne commented: “We cannot provide such a list because no such list exists. However, anything you say could potentially be used against you, if we deem fit to prosecute the matter fully. We are however working on a list of things you can say, which will be quite short and so easy to adhere to without causing upset and distress to the community.”

 

UK to be destroyed

Brexit could lead to some kind of vague but appalling disaster, David Cameron has revealed.

In a press statement on Monday, the Prime Minister announced: “You fucking people make me sick.”

Mr Cameron warned that Brexit would lead to an uncontrolled influx of predatory Third World migrants, “most of them Muslim rapists”. It would only be possible to control British borders within the EU, the PM told reporters, despite Britain having accepted millions of predatory Third World migrants, many of them Muslim rapists, since joining the EU. “That’s because the dark peoples only heard about Britain once we became great,” Mr Cameron explained. “And Britain only became Great Britain after joining the EU.”

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As part of the EU, the UK is compelled to accept centrally-determined numbers of economic migrants from “fantastically corrupt” countries like Nigeria and Afghanistan. “Nationalism has led to devastating consequences,” Mr Cameron warned. “To war. To destruction of entire communities. To genocide. Nazism was a nationalist movement. We must learn from history, and embrace our part in a wider European community.”

Chancellor Angela Merkel commented: “Only a Nazi would refuse to be incorporated within the framework of the Greater German Empire. Nazis will not be tolerated in the Fourth Empire. They will be exterminated.”

When reporters queried Mr Cameron’s claims, he raised the spectre of a European war. “The French have invaded us in the past. So have the Germans. So have the Spanish. So have the Scandinavians. If this great country, this great democracy, makes the mistake of leaving the EU, there is a very real possibility of fleets of Swedish war vessels raiding Lindisfarne and massacring everyone on Orkney.”

Some reporters questioned the likelihood of this scenario.

“Illegal aliens,” the Prime Minister continued, passionately. “Coming here to destroy our proud nation and our proud democracy. Unless we stay in the EU. Illegal…space aliens. Space aliens from space. From the Moon. Nazi space aliens. I can confirm that the Heads of MI5 and MI6, as well as allied intelligence agencies, have presented a very real and plausible danger of Nazi space aliens arriving in a fleet of warships. Swedish warships. Full of aliens. Space Nazis. Look, if you don’t vote the right way, I’ll get rid of you all and bring in some new people, Muslims, people who know how to vote. I don’t need you smug white bastards, with your negativity, and your stupid questions, and your precious little Western civilisation. I’ll be revenged on the lot of you. I’ll be living in my mansion in some nice little village in Surrey, with its own private security, and you bastards can live under Sharia law.”

A spokesman for the PM later told reporters: “Mr Cameron would like to reaffirm his commitment to core British values, and to emphasise the importance of the European community.”

EU to declare war on America

The European Union will invade America if Donald Trump becomes President, EU Peace Minister Maike van Geelkerken has warned.

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Trump has won the Republican nomination following Bill Murray’s enthusiastic support for Tom Cruise instead of Ted Cruz. Senator Cruz dropped out of the race on Wednesday, explaining: “You want a Scientologist for President, that’s what you’ll get.”

But the European Union has expressed concern over a Trump Presidency. EU Vice-Chancellor for Region 3, Hans Desoubrie told reporters: “We can work with Hillary Clinton, even with Bernie Sanders or Cruz. But Trump is a threat to democracy.” Desoubrie pointed to the violence at Trump rallies, where left-wing activists assaulted Trump supporters and shouted abuse. “This kind of behaviour does not occur at Clinton or Sanders events,” Desoubrie explained. “There, you see people united, chanting one name, peacefully. At Trump rallies people gather for violent purposes.”

If Trump wins the Presidency this November, the European Union Defence and Peace Army will invade America. “We expect Canada and Mexico to assist our peace-keeping operations,” van Geelkerken has revealed. “Our combined forces will destroy the American military, seizing their nuclear options, and Trump and all of his supporters will be executed for crimes against humanity. We will then install a replacement, probably Frans Timmermans. Peace-keeping operations will ensure the freedom and prosperity of American citizens.”

Van Geelkerken’s statement was initially dismissed as a hoax by social media. “Onion, anyone?” sneered Steve Matthews, a prominent blog and youtube commentator. “There is no EU army, this is April 1 again, you fucking idiots.”

However, van Geelkerken clarified today: “Due to the civic unrest caused by millions of Muslim migrants, it will soon be necessary for a panel of unelected European Union politicians to have control of a combined multinational army. A 9/11-scale terrorist attack is scheduled for October. Combined with the increased incidents of rape and assault by predatory Muslim migrants, the European Union peoples will cry out for decisive military action, and then the Defence and Peace Army will be deployed in Europe. Far-right and far-left politicians and their supporters will be arrested and executed, the internet will be subject to total censorship, and taxes will be increased to support military operations against the army of young Muslim men on the loose in Europe. A month later, the Defence and Peace Army will launch a peace-keeping operation against America. If necessary. If Trump loses, then this will not be necessary.”

While some have expressed concern at a group of unelected politicians making war with a combined multi-national force, Hans Desoubrie reassured the public: “It’s all part of the plan.”

Donald Trump responded this morning: “I love Europeans, I do business with Europeans. Europeans purchase American goods, Europeans run hotels in Paris, in London, in in in, many countries, in Madrid, in Rome. But war? America is number one, we have tanks, we have planes, we have soldiers, we have guns, we have bombs, we have dogs, we have nukes, we have secret bases under the ground, we have missiles, we have canteens, and you can get fries and burgers and onions and vegetables, all kinds of vegetables, aubergines, and carrots, potatoes, celery, cucumbers, tomatoes, mushrooms, cauliflower, and we have artillery and armoured vehicles and special forces and biological and chemical weapons, and night-vision equipment, and camouflage, and gore-tex boots. And we’re not talking North Korean bombs and planes etc., we’re talking pretty sophisticated weapons. The Europeans want to come here, they want to involve Canada and Mexico and Peru and I don’t know who, let them. They can come here and you know, when they see our soldiers, and our guns, and our planes, and our tanks, they’ll want to purchase them, they’ll be customers, we’ll make a deal.”

 

 

Bill Murray joins Cruz campaign team

In a surprise move, Bill Murray has accepted a post on Ted Cruz’s campaign staff. Murray, 65, was offered a position as “Cruz empathy rep” last week and will now represent Ted Cruz in “empathy, humour, or zaniness-specific contexts”.

Cruz is a strong contender for the November head-to-head against Clinton, but has been labelled “oily”, “smug”, “insincere”, and “uncaring” by critics who expect politicians to be sincere and warm-hearted.

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“He lacks Hillary’s vagina,” said Dallas Steinhauer, a 30-year veteran of Washington politics. “And he isn’t black, so he has real problems with the voters. Look at the Carly Fiorina incident” – referring to an incident where Cruz didn’t notice Fiorina stumbling on stage. “What were his staff thinking? He lost a prime opportunity. Obama would have run over and cradled her, crying and howling like a banshee, tearing his shirt off and screaming, Why God, why? Cruz just ignored it. The man has no political instincts.”

After an emergency campaign meeting, Bill Murray was offered the post of official Cruz empathy-rep. He has already made several public appearances, for example he crashed a Jay-Z party in the company of Kate Middleton and a pair of Swedish prostitutes. “He took over the DJ desk, playing an eclectic set, including Belle and Sebastian, Nico, Queen, and Michael Gira,” according to one of the prostitutes. “Then he made some really great cocktails and danced with Beyonce and punched Justin Bieber in the face. We all thought it was Ted Cruz because he kept saying “vote for me, vote for Cruz” and he invented a dance he called “the Cruz”, and, well, he really looks like Senator Cruz. Only better.”

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Unfortunately for the Cruz campaign, Murray then told everyone he was Tom Cruise. It seems that Murray has confused Senator Cruz with the Mission Impossible star. “Cruz tried to make a deal,” Donald Trump commented. “He took on the bear and he got mauled by a Ghostbuster, and believe me that’s not something you want, no way.”

The next morning, in what seems a homage to his role in The Life Aquatic, Murray rescued hostages from a pirate ship off the coast of Somalia. “It was incredible,” recalls Trisha Martin, one of the hostages. “He and some preppy-looking kids in blazers and bowties stormed the ship and defeated the pirates with sleight-of-hand and antiquated revolvers. We were all hugging him and crying and then he said, “Remember kids, I’m Tom Cruise and I need your vote” and winked. He looks taller in real life.”

Only later did Martin discover she had been saved by Bill Murray pretending to be Tom Cruise when he should have been pretending to be Ted Cruz. The Cruz campaign staff announced: “We have no idea what Murray will do next. His brief is to engage the human race as he sees fit. We would only ask that when he asks you to vote for Tom Cruise, you actually vote for Ted Cruz because that’s what he means and Senator Cruz knows more about politics than Tom Cruise.”

There are unsubstantiated reports that Murray inveigled his way into Hillary Clinton’s hotel, waited until she was violently haranguing her staff, then stepped out of the shadows and gave her a big hug, holding her and whispering something no one else could hear.

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“The Secret Service just stood there looking helpless,” an anonymous insider leaked. “And the assistants who had been crying – because, you know, Hillary can be pretty tough – felt that everything would be okay. Then he let her go, said “yeah, I’m Tom Cruise. Tom Cruise. Tom Cruise. I need your support” and walked off and no one tried to stop him because he just looked so presidential. Hillary sat down and hid her face in her hands and then she was really nice to everyone, for a few minutes.”

Tom Cruise is unavailable for comment.

 

 

 

Rape law training for refugees

Muslim refugees are to receive training on how to avoid the police after committing rape, the Centre for Open Borders has announced.

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The 250 million Euro project was launched after a 35-year-old Algerian was arrested by Austrian police for attempted rape and grievous bodily harm. The refugee, who had already lived in Austria for many years, attempted to rape a woman at a bus shelter on Saturday morning.

“Unfortunately, she assaulted the poor refugee, breaking his nose,” said Feminist and Open Borders activist Dr Simone Hölleweg. “He defended himself from his white CIS-gendered assailant, and then fled to seek help.”

The woman was found, unconscious, with severe facial injuries and exposed genitalia, by a passer-by. The Algerian was arrested at the hospital where he had demanded medical treatment for his broken nose.

“We need to educate refugees from war-torn and under-privileged countries,” Dr Hölleweg told reporters. “They are currently being oppressed by crypto-fascist police because they don’t understand the laws made by straight white men for other straight white men. The Muslim is a classic ‘other’, transgressing patriarchal liminality and so liable to hegemonic power structures/punishment codexes substantiated by and premised on a white privilege authorality/dismemberment-instead-of-rememberment causality that invokes millenia of traditional masculine enwarriormentival tropes vis a vis the penis and the ‘differance’ of deferment. Anyone smart enough to read the post-structuralists knows that.”

On December 2, an Iraqi refugee raped a 10-year-old boy in a swimming pool cubicle in Vienna. After the rape, the refugee enjoyed himself in the swimming pool, frolicking and springing from the diving board until the police arrived.

“People!” Dr Hölleweg announced. “Isn’t it clear what’s going on here? The police are unfairly discriminating against refugees from warzones, because no one will defend them! No one except Feminists!”

The preponderance of Muslim sex attacks is, Dr Hölleweg explained, entirely due to white CIS-gendered racism. “White men rape,” she continued. “That’s what they do. White men have a penis – a penis they may choose to use as a weapon against a woman. But the whites are too privileged to get caught. That stupid woman at the bus stop was probably raped by an entitled white man, or maybe she did it to herself, and the police beat a confession out of this poor refugee child, because he’s an under-privileged Muslim and he’s from a warzone and has PTSD. Well, no more! It is time for a Feminist revolution!”

The Centre for Open Borders will teach an integration curriculum “tailored for Muslim refugees”. Salient points will include:

1. Don’t go to a hospital if your victim injures you during rape.

2. Don’t frolic in the vicinity of the rape. If, for example, you have raped a small child in a swimming pool cubicle, go to another swimming pool after ejaculating.

3. You are under 18, even if you are clearly twice that age.

4. You are from Syria but lost all your documents “in a fire”.

5. The police and your victim are racist.

There will also be seminars on cadaver disposal and rape forensics, and refugees will be provided with a map of secluded locations where they are unlikely to be disturbed or witnessed during rape. A Feminist will be on call 24 hours a day to assist refugees, before, during, and after the rape.

“As a woman, I know where women go, I know how we think,” Dr Hölleweg explained. “And as a university-educated Feminist, I am constantly transcrossing and transgressing liminalities that prepotential patriarchical privilege ‘structures’ which devolve/procreate from a commodification of classically commonalities of ‘discourse’ impose on women.”

 

Bowie to return for Christmas special

David Bowie will return from the dead in time for a Christmas charity concert, a local Satanist has confirmed.

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“I was messing around with my ouiji board,” explained Dave Wilkins, a Satanist based just outside Barnsley. “It kept saying BOWIE BOWIE BOWIE. I got a bit confused and thought it was the Devil and He wanted me to bow to Him. So I was bowing and then the next message was: STOP BOWING YOU TWAT. THIS IS DAVID BOWIE.”

Bowie confirmed that he is dead. He is now in an undisclosed location in the afterlife. “I thought it could be Hell,” Wilkins told reporters. “Bowie said there’s loads of rooms with red curtains, and armchairs with people who say weird things. I thought it might be an advert for fancy perfume or something but Bowie said DON’T BE STUPID.”

“He’s going to come back in time for Christmas,” Wilkins reported. “He’s made some kind of crystal and says he can use it to open a portal to our world. He says he’s already mentally recorded a new album because there’s always weird music in the afterlife. After the charity concert, he’s going to start indiscriminately killing people to FEED THE CRYSTAL, but I think he was joking. Anyway, he won’t come to Barnsley so I don’t care.”

Many have expressed alarm at the prospect of David Bowie returning from the dead with some kind of crystal. However, Pope Francis reassured journalists: “Peace and love are essential if we are to make progress in the new millenium. True Christians worship Christ by loving human beings irrespective of their religion.”

 

 

Sweden depressed

Sweden has been diagnosed with depression by researchers from the University of Huddersfield.

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Anthropologists Phil Bolton and Mohammed Hussein visited Sweden on Saturday, and found his house in a state of disrepair. “The windows were all broken and there was a dead prostitute in the garden,” reports Bolton.

Sweden answered the door in his pyjamas. “He stank of alcohol and there were bits of dried egg on his sleeve,” Bolton says. “He hadn’t shaved in weeks. He’s really gone downhill since the last visit.”

The University of Huddersfield (then Huddersfield Polytechnic) sent a team of anthropologists to Sweden in 1980. Bolton, now 67, was then a junior researcher. The 1980 report describes Sweden as looking like Marvel’s Thor, tall and muscular and healthy. “Now he looks like Tom Waits,” Hussein reports. “His eyes were bloodshot and he was missing a finger on his left hand.”

Sweden took the researchers into the kitchen, where the sink was blocked up and there was a slice of toast butter-side down on the floor. He could only offer tap water, homemade spirits, and cheap cigarettes, having apparently run out of money several weeks ago.

“We could hear some kind of gangster rap coming from the living room, and people shouting drunkedly and smashing things. Sweden said it was better if we stayed in the kitchen,” Bolton reports. “When I asked if everything was okay, he snapped “that’s racist” and then started crying. However, he immediately stopped crying and then kept smiling at us.”

Throughout the visit, Sweden smiled at the two researchers. “He kept telling me how much better things are now, compared to the 1980 expedition,” Bolton says, “Even though the house was spotlessly clean and very luxurious then, and looks like a crack den now. I didn’t want to ask him about the broken windows and the smashing noises. He kept taking Prozac and grinning.”

Sweden demonstrated difficulties in walking and sitting down, explaining “I’ve been bum raped a lot.” When Hussein asked where the rapists came from, Sweden shouted: “that’s racist! It was my fault for not being tolerant enough.”

The researchers cut their visit short. As they left, Sweden fell on his knees before Hussein, crying. “He apologised for everything,” Hussein reports. “I didn’t know what he was talking about but he just kept apologising. Then he said I could live with him if I want, that he’d pay for everything and he’s going to get a new bank loan and he leaves his credit cards lying around, and would never call the police because that’s racist. He said I could rape him if I want. When I told him I have a girlfriend he called me a CIS-gendered fascist and threw a blood-covered children’s shoe at my head. He tried to kick me but couldn’t because he’d been bum raped so much.”

Sweden has been praised for his generous assistance to less privileged individuals, and has pledged to accommodate “everyone”.

“I think he’s probably depressed,” Bolton concludes.