My meme thereon.
Not satire as such but i thought they belonged here rather than on my main blog:
- Le Pen:
2. International Women’s Day:
3. Trump vs CNN, BBC etc:
A Huffington Post special:
Controversial billionaire sex attacker Donald Trump has come under fire from his own supporters and Alt-right cronies. In a statement released this morning, Adolf Hitler announced: “This is a shitty President. He is an absolutely and completely despicable and repulsive sham of a President.”
The reclusive Austrian Führer came out of his Amazon hideout to hold a press conference. CNN reporter Ephraim Goldstein asked: “Mr Hitler, do you support the President Elect Donald Trump, who plans to-”
The frail Führer interrupted: “Hold the gob you Jewish filth. I came here to say you this is a Jew-rotten President of a Jew-rotten nation. Oh, he’s going to build a wall. A fucking wall? What for shit is this? A wall? A wall? Against criminals trying to enter the land without the authorisation of all required offices? Where are the Trump secret police service? Why do the Jewish rabble shit forth their words all over this fucking internet, and the Secret State Police of Trump do nothing? What art of a shitty President is this? I was sitting in my hut, eating a vegetable gruel, that is very healthful I may tell you, you, Jew boy, with the Jewfro, you stink of smoke. You are a smoker, or? You must give up the cigarettes, they are a Jewish invention, and you must eat cabbage and soups, then you will live to be two hundred, like me. Look at my moustache! It is very wonderful, or? Ja, so, I am sitting in my hovel, looking the news on my ipad, and I see Trump, and all the Jews are saying, He is Hitler, he is literally Hitler, and so I am naturally very interesting in this development, and he will resolve the Jewry, and Obama and the Clintons and the Jew media will be taken in night and fog, so to say. Then I see he is eating steak. Disgusting. I am showing the Jew papers, the Wall Street Jew, the Jew York Times, the Washington Jew, and they are saying, oh this terrible fascist man he is a racist and he is literally Hitler, and so I am thinking, Aha. And then I see he had been take the legal action to make Mar-a-Largo admit the Jew and the negro in nineteen hundred and ninety-seven. This good white place, a resort, in the so-called Palm Beach, and this so-called fascist wants it to let the ruination of Jewry and international negrohood in, the white man with Bolshevistic racial war to destroy? No, this so-called President I cannot and will not support.”
This comes as a hard blow to the secretive sexual assaulter billionaire, who earlier this week shocked the world by going to a restaurant without first informing the press. Amid accusations of corruption and non-transparency, the controversial sexual assaulter billionaire ate dead animal meat with his white billionaire family. “In a highly unusual move, President-elect Donald Trump on Tuesday night left his Manhattan residence without notifying the reporters covering him or giving any indication of where he was going,” reported NBC News. “The maneuver seemed to deliberately limit access to the media […] the Trump Administration is shaping up to be the least accessible to the public and the press in modern history.”
Things are looking bad for the controversial scandal-ridden billionaire. Trump’s hardcore supporters, including Alt-Right supremo Adolf Hitler, long associated with Breitbart and the entire alternative media, are ditching him and many are said to regret supporting a man often titled “literally Hitler.”
President Obama, First Lady Michelle, and Hillary Clinton all voted for Donald Trump, it has emerged.
In an interview with Time Magazine, President Obama commented: “I stayed up late, with Michelle, to watch the Election. It was an extraordinary result, I think we, everyone, all our friends in the mainstream media, in Congress, in Senate, would agree. I cast my vote – for Donald Trump – ”
“Excuse me, Mr President,” interrupted Time journalist Saul Bloomstein, “Did you say you voted for Donald Trump?”
“Yes, that is correct. Now, we know that the President Elect and myself have had many significant differences, and of course I supported Secretary Clinton fully. However, I also personally, and here I am speaking personally, not as President of this great nation; personally Secretary Clinton and I also experienced certain difficulties, and as I was about to go to cast my vote, Secretary Clinton called me, from an insecure mobile phone belonging to the nephew of one of her aides, and told me I had better fucking get out there and campaign for her, or she would bury me deeper than Atlantis and I’d be lucky to get some fried chicken and watermelon, but I’d get all the gay cock I want, because I am a faggot and an embarrassment to her. And unfortunately, the timing, the timing here, meant that I changed my mind at the last minute, and voted for Donald Trump.”
Michelle Obama told reporters: “Actually, I voted for Trump too, because we’re going to continue to live in DC, and in a nuclear exchange with Russia, we’d be the first to go.”
Hillary Clinton announced: “Donald Trump only won because of Russian hacks into my private email server, which I would have retaliated against with all the means at the President’s, that would have been me, disposal, up to and including military intervention. Donald Trump is a Russian agent. He wants to start a nuclear war and is dangerous and a sexist, a racist, Islamophobe, homophobe, a bigot. And also he only won because some people, like me, voted for him. I thought it would be a good joke to play on this bigot, to vote for him, and then when he lost to say, Gee Don, and I voted for you! But the FBI illegally interfered by investigating my private emails, which are only about my yoga classes.”
An FBI source told reporters: “We have discovered evidence that Donald Trump offered Hillary Clinton 10 dollars to vote for him, and she accepted.”
The investigation is ongoing.
The US Presidential Election has been cancelled, after both Hillary Clinton and the controversial sex-scandal-ridden business magnate Donald Trump forgot to go.
Panic began when neither candidate turned up. The Secret Service were initially unable to locate Hillary. “She sometimes goes dark,” one anonymous agent said. “She likes to visit friends and wants it strictly off the books.”
The Secretary of State was found cooking “a healthy meat-based dish” in a friend’s kitchen. Apparently confused by the Secret Service’s mention of the Election, she laughed gaily, throwing chunks of unidentifiable meat around, and cackled, “But isn’t that over by now? It went on FOREVER! Ha ha ha ha ha!!!” She then offered meat pies to the agents, laughing: “It’s organic! Ha ha ha ha ha! Trust me, I watched the meat develop for 9 months before we cut it out! The, aha ha ha ha ha farm, was a very organic farm, we found her when she was 13!!! Ha ha ha ha ha”
Donald Trump was setting up a new Trump Taco chain when contacted by reporters. “What? What are you saying here? I can’t hear you because your words, look, they are basically crazy words, coming out of your mouth. Election? Yes, I know, I know this word election, I won it, it was huge, everyone was very satisfied, and now look, tacos, Trump tacos, 100% prime beef, sourced in Texas, made by Mexicans, the best Mexicans, the smartest, the best at tacos, premium produce.”
When reporters reminded him of the date, Trump shook his head. “No way. This whole damn thing went on so long, I’m 100% positive it finished back in August, and I won. Hey, I didn’t have time to do the President job, I delegated that, I have some very smart people, very capable and good people, and one of these smart people is doing the job.”
A Personal Assistant advised Donald Trump that no one is currently President and Congress and Senate have gone home. “Great, great, that’s fabulous news. Fabulous. Hey, you, Mr Reporter, do you eat tacos? Try these, delicious, my Mexicans made them just now.”
Reporters agreed that Donald Trump’s tacos were delicious and spent the rest of the day hanging around the kitchen with the erstwhile Presidential candidate, listening to his anecdotes about supermodels and business, and watching his Mexicans cook.
A Huffington Post special:
Serial sexist offender Donald Trump has once more offended America.
Speaking at a press conference, Trump said: “I am here, I’ve been here for years, for a long time, and you know what, I was here in 2001, I remember, because I was here in ’98, I was here in the 20s, in the Civil War, I saw what happened, and believe me, we can do better.”
Immediately afterwards, New Yorkers Hanna and Joshua Goldberg experienced their first serious marital row. The couple, married since 2007, run a successful Democrat deli in Wiliamsburg, and Hanna sells New Age jewelry and handcrafts on Etsy.
Joshua, whose grandparents were murdered in the Holocaust by white men, said: “I came home and she was walking around with our Persian cat, Che, drunk as usual, listening to Paul Simon and crying. I asked why she hadn’t saved me any of our artisan Belorussian vodka and she threw Che at me and called me a manquestioner. I had to use a handcrafted Estonian hammer which broke on her head and then she tried to set me on fire because she is, frankly, a total neurotic cunt.”
Things were looking bleak for the marriage. And then Trump’s Nuremberg-style rally was suddenly broadcast on the couple’s plasma screen TV.
“One moment I was trying to restrain her,” Joshua explained. “And the next, I was weeping with the collective loss of the 6 million Holocaust victims.”
Hanna reported: “He was smashing me in the head and calling me a bitch and saying I was worse than his mother, and then we heard Trump’s voice and we both felt at once, in one beautiful heartbeat, the 6 million Holocaust victims and the endless nomadic sorrow of our beautiful race, and it was so emotional, because it was like I had died, six million times, at the hands of Trump.”
The couple were then able to patch up their differences.
“I was deeply ashamed of my righteous anger at her,” Joshua mused in an exclusive vegan-bondage-Polish-themed cafe. “Listening to Trump, the most despicable politician of the last thousand years, I realised I should be more forgiving of my wife. No matter how drunk and hysterical she becomes, she is at least a human being. Unlike Trump. He’s only human in the basest sense – and I mean base. He’s so filthy, so evil, he’s not even human. He’s worse than a maggot. He’s worse than a stone. He makes amoebas look classy. All the celebrities have attacked him. Louis CD, de Niro, everyone. He is Satan, I mean, I don’t, like, believe in that stuff but he is literally the Devil.”
“Seriously, he is worse than Hitler,” Hanna told reporters over a frappuccino, in a new Ethiopian jazz bar. “Trump is a billion times worse than the worst Hitler in the whole universe. I started crying because just seeing this white fascist triggered me, and then Josh was crying, and we cuddled and screamed ‘I hate you!’ at our little TV, over and over again, and then Che urinated on Josh and we made love like we were teenagers.”
“The Hebrews called it catharsis,” Joshua said, smiling and stroking his goatie. “Sure it was transgressive, it was raw, whatever it is, we were united in our righteous anger against Donald Trump. He is literally a billion times worse than Hitler and Charles Manson and George Bush and Jesus put together.”
Hillary Clinton, fresh from campaigning as America’s first women President and champion of the underclass and People of Color, said: “I do not comment on Russian sabotage.”
Donald Trump was cornered by fearless reporters at a rally later that day. The controversial business magnate sex scandalist capitalist pussy-grabbing rapist war-mongering corrupt Republican told reporters: “I’m the bringer of good things. I see people fighting, I think, Hey we don’t need to be doing this, this kind of thing. We can do a deal, we can work this out, that’s what I told the Beatles, and look at what they did, they made a song, a very good song, a nice song, I’m not saying I wrote it, I’m not a musician, look, these were four very pleasant, very intelligent young men from Huddersfield in England, and they made some very good music, I can’t agree with their hairstyles but my own hair is very special, and let me tell you, last week John Lennon said, Hey Donald, you know we made a lot of money, we’re successful, we’re thriving, and I said, John, I’m glad to hear that. And later, later that day, his people called me, and I was very interested, because that’s how I want America to work – we listen, we help each other, we can write songs, we can make deals, and together we can make America great. Do I alienate people? Yes I do, but ultimately I bring them together.”
After almost daily terrorist attacks in Europe, the EU has responded.
Smiling broadly, Hooarn van Griesel, Commissioner for Region 3 Cultural Disposition, told reporters today: “These terrible and inexplicable incidents have saddened all of us. In Nice, a truck killed dozens of innocent EU citizens celebrating the birth of the French Revolution, of liberty, freedom, equality of outcomes. A machete killed a woman in Reutlingen. An axe and a knife injured several people in Würzburg. A knife stabbed three individuals in a French resort. A Syrian refugee, fleeing war and hardship, was killed when a bomb exploded in Ansbach. A Catholic priest, who was old and white and not a Muslim, and probably a paedophile, had his head cut off with a knife.
“We are still searching for a cause for these terrible attacks on Western liberal democracy. Some individuals want to upset our values and our core brand identity. They want to make us afraid. But fear must not be our counsellor. We must be brave. We must stand together against extremism of all kinds. But be sure, we will not give in – we will be more tolerant, more understanding, more loving. Hatred will not triumph over love. Fear will not triumph over freedom. We will open our borders to the poor Muslim refugees fleeing oppression in Syria, and we will not demand documentation, we will not stand in the way of love and humanity. Everyone is now welcome in Europe, because that is what Europe stands for – welcome, humanity, diversity.
“But be assured, your rulers will take measures to prevent anything like this ever happening again. New and more extensive anti-Hate-Speech laws will be rolled out soon, making it an offence to criticise Islam or to use Hate Words like terrorist. We will not bow to hatred. We will not be ruled by fear. From 1 September, anyone who tries to criticise Islam or the EU will be subject to legal punishments up to and including public decapitation. And remember, thanks to new cooperations with Facebook, Twitter, and Youtube, we are watching you.”
Donald Trump is illiterate, it has emerged.
The GOP presumptive nominee’s educational deficit came out this morning. Trump gave a speech at Cleveland’s Kurp Institute this morning, but Social Justice Warriors infiltrated the event and replaced the teleprompter with a lengthy post-structuralist text about “Menstrual Marxist tautologies/revisionings with recursive ontology”.
“We thought it’d be, like, a totally random thing?” explained Mark Rogers, acting Coordinator of the “1917 Interplanary Love Commission”, a Menstrual Marxist sub-sect operating out of Cleveland University’s Arts Division. “Like, he’d read all this spacy shit about, like, feminist empowerment? We went for, like Judith Butler’s, like, really controversial, like, thing about, like, the patriarchy?”
The infiltrated teleprompter now read: “Regarding subversational liminalities and desire, the professional avows iriminically ‘avowed’ statement, predicapatriarched on ‘subjective’ ontologies” and so on for several thousand words. However, Trump neither faltered nor read the presented text.
Instead of reading about “hypothetical transgressive heterohegemoniacalities”, Trump – seeming to not even notice the substitution – told a packed audience: “Listen, we are winning. Thousands of people are calling, they’re calling me, on my phone, actually it’s one of my phones, I have several phones, I have more than twenty, it’s an amazing thing, one phone for this, one phone for that, and I carry them. And then they say, ‘oh he’s not as rich as that’. Not that it matters, but I’m rich enough for more than twenty phones. And I said to myself, I have more than twenty phones. And I bring that up because I have cashflow, I have great suits, and you have to get a suit like this, look – our trade deals are not up to scratch – and whether you’re on the libertarian side, or the conservative side, or the Tea Party side, you can have a suit which holds twenty phones, that’s why people support me, hey, just yesterday Clinton came up to me and said, ‘Hey, can I do you the unmentionable off?’ and I said ‘Look at me, look at this suit. Twenty phones. How many do you have? Listen, Clinton, a phone salesman came to me last week, and he said, ‘Donald, what is it with people and suits these days? They don’t understand sartorial achievement anymore’. And that’s a fact. By the way, I just left Los Angeles and I saw the biggest boats I’ve ever seen, packed with phones, packed with suits, packed with Clintons, packed with poor girls offering their unmentionables, packed with business. I thought, you’ve got to be kidding. And by the way, I love LA, I sell apartments for 10 cents on the dollar, one of my tenants, a Muslim, came to me, he said, ‘hey Donald-san, you God-Emperor’, and I said, ‘I love Muslims, I love you, but you got to stop blowing yourself up. Especially in our gay clubs. Listen, I was at a gay club last week, with a friend of mine, he works for one of those big shows, Huffington Evening, Saturday Night Live, and you know, he was, by the way, he was with me last night, and he said, ‘hey Donald, we’re loving what you’re doing, we’re loving your attitude, why can’t we find local politicians who speak like you?'”.
Ceries Jones, Social Justice Warrior and Activist-in-Power for the Cleveland-based group said: “This was, like, totally different to what we put on the teleprompter?”
Security apprehended the Social Justice Warriors, who were released without charges. However, the Huffington Post took up the case and confronted Trump for “ignoring the teleprompter”. The real estate billionaire responded: “Hey, lady, I don’t read. People show me things, I just look over it, scanning the landscape, then I say something. I have a contract, I have to read it? – I scan it, I think, ‘what is best for my cashflow?’ – then I sign or I don’t sign, just last week a good friend of mine, Taylor Swift, a very nice young lady, she gave me a pre-nup, and I don’t read so I scanned it, like an eagle scanning the land, and I knew, and I said to her, I said to this very attractive, very smart young lady, ‘hey, I think my lawyers want to take a look at this”. And she cried, she wept, she was doing everything, but in the end it was the smart decision. We made a deal, and, by the way, it’s a good deal, not only for me, but for her too. And that’s how I do things. I make deals.”
Political commentators have questioned Trump’s legitimacy, in view of his admitted illiteracy. But, as Mervin Schwartz pointed out: “Look at where literacy has got us.”
Britain has violated the Human Rights Act and the Treaty on Peace and Love, and will be “destroyed with fire” EU Under-Commissioner on Human Rights and Goodness and Fishing Renegotiations in Region 2, Patrick van Woadhoone has announced.
Following the referendum shock, many have criticised Nigel Farage for being “a Nazi” and Boris Johnson for being”a fascist”, and called for both to be stoned to death by the Muslim Council for Brotherhood and Love in London.
“The European Project is too important to be derailed,” explained van Woadhoone to Brussels reporters early this morning, in his palatial office. Caressing a small boy, van Woadhoone laid out a 4-point plan to resolve the Brexit result.
Point 1: Crippling sanctions and a trade war against Britain. According to the EU Economics and Peace Council, this is “necessary to bring this mistaken people to the realisation that in a post-structuralist post-nation global economy, they cannot expect to reasonably prosper in fascist isolation.”
Point 2: Military intervention. The EU Commissioner for Peace and Cooperation told reporters: “The EU Army will intervene in a broad-spectrum approach, by sea and air initially, taking out major urban populations except London, and then the ground forces will move in to secure key positions and care for the populace. EU care-givers will move in to secure and dispose of terrorists and educate the population.”
Point 3: Public execution, following BBC show trials, of Nigel Farage, Michael Gove, Boris Johnson, and many other “ringleaders and terrorists.”
Point 4: Institution of a new EU democracy to replace the British fascist apparatus. Freedom squads will remove terrorists, including “Christians, white men, heterosexuals, and other far- right extremists”.
At this point, an elderly gentleman lurched into the office, smoking a cigar and naked but for a large tie, and told reporters: “Find him, get rid of him. I don’t care how it’s done, I don’t want to know, just get rid of him tonight.” Unfortunately, several cameras recorded footage of this private incident, violating EU Privacy Laws. Eye witnesses report that the man “absolutely wasn’t George Soros.”
UK Armed Forces representatives suggested the EU Secret Army may experience “difficulties” invading England, since the aforementioned Secret Army would no longer include the British Army, Royal Marines, and associated Special Forces. “Come on then, man, you get fucking nutted man, we’ll put ye down, like” commented an anonymous source in the Special Boat Service.
David Cameron declined to comment.
A Brexit would inevitably lead to Bremain, David Cameron has warned.
“We would have to look carefully at the political ramifications,” the PM told reporters this morning. “My duty is to serve the interests of the British people. This is the best country in the world, with the greatest history, traditions, pride, and all that could be thrown away by voting to leave the EU. Then, my duty would be to modify the results and present the British people with the correct decision, a decision made by Jean-Marie von Haalhezyk of the EU Commission on Region 3 Democratic Process and Development.”
Due to new EU regulations against hate speech, a Leave vote could also now be a criminal offence. “Look at the Dalai Lama,” Mr Cameron said. “He took a stand, against humanity, against supranational governance, against the Fourth Empire and international banking. He is now a hate criminal. He is on the wrong side of history. He will, unfortunately, have to take the consequences of his hate speech.”
Speaking to the Frankfurter Allgemeine Zeitung last week, the Dalai Lama said: “Europe, for example Germany, cannot become an Arab country. Germany is Germany.”
Shortly afterwards, an EU police task force arrested the Dalai Lama and sent him on a military transport plane to China, where he will be executed following a fair trial.
“We cannot tolerate hate speech,” Mr Cameron insisted. “Those who vote to leave the EU are voting for nationalism, war, and hate, and by doing so they endanger the peace and prosperity of the entire world. They must face the consequences of their hate act. It is unfortunate that the Dalai Lama stood in the path of progress. Now he has been returned to Chinese jurisdiction, and we hope this will signal a new era of cooperation and harmony between the Chinese peoples and the peoples of a united Europe.”
As he was being bundled onto a military transport plane for extraordinary extradition and advanced interrogation in China, The Dalai Lama chuckled and told reporters: “I’ll be back.”
Mohammed Ali was the victim of a political assassination, David Cameron has revealed.
Speaking to journalists and Muslim representatives at a Brexit press conference, Cameron explained: “look, Brexit would be an economic nuke under your chair, while you’re having a simple kitchen supper. One moment you’re munching happily away on foie gras and caviar on crackers, the next you’re Hiroshimoed. Look, it’s simple, look, I mean, if you vote to leave, we’ll just rig the machines and lie and no one’ll ever be the wiser. What I mean is, I mean, Cthulhu WANTS you to vote Brexit, he’ll come out of the watery deeps and escalate this to another dimension. I mean, what I’m basically saying is, Brexit will kill Mohammed.”
Some of those present responded: “kill the white devil innit” and the atmosphere became, in the words of one journalist “tense”. Then the PM continued: “Mohammed Ali, of course. He passed away yesterday. Well, my sources, MI6 and chaps like that, indicate it wasn’t so simple. He was murdered. By Brexit. By populists and far-right extremists, white people basically, he was murdered by white people who don’t want to be part of the Fourth Empire, I mean, um, basically, I mean Nicholas Farage had Ali assassinated, because Farage and people like him are far-right hate-speaking white people, which is basically all white people isn’t it, you see, and they killed Ali because he was the Greatest, wasn’t he? So vote for Bremain and I can guarantee the return of Ali, and of Mohammed, yes, the Prophet will return if we stay in the Greater German Territories.”
Mr Cameron then had to quickly leave, as several of those present began to threaten him with death and mutilation for “blasphemy”. Henriette Samstad-Rjelligen, Head of the EU Region 3 Committee on Peace and Joy clarified later: “The British PM has been under a great deal of strain recently, due to attempted assassinations by Brexnazis putting nuclear devices under his chair. He in no way believes Bremain will necessarily bring the Prophet, may his Name be forever holy, back, though a EU committee has not necessarily ruled it out, either. However, Brexit will lead to genocide and Mohammed Ali would, clearly, have voted to stay in the EU for greater independence, self-determination, and economic integration, and those who vote against Mohammed Ali slander the name of the Prophet and will be thrown off a mountain and then tied to the back of a goat and sodomized, in accordance with EU protocols for Regions 1 – 5 with special reference to Mandate 3.944i.”