Trump, Clinton, forget about Election

The US Presidential Election has been cancelled, after both Hillary Clinton and the controversial sex-scandal-ridden business magnate Donald Trump forgot to go.

Panic began when neither candidate turned up. The Secret Service were initially unable to locate Hillary. “She sometimes goes dark,” one anonymous agent said. “She likes to visit friends and wants it strictly off the books.”

The Secretary of State was found cooking “a healthy meat-based dish” in a friend’s kitchen. Apparently confused by the Secret Service’s mention of the Election, she laughed gaily, throwing chunks of unidentifiable meat around, and cackled, “But isn’t that over by now? It went on FOREVER! Ha ha ha ha ha!!!” She then offered meat pies to the agents, laughing: “It’s organic! Ha ha ha ha ha! Trust me, I watched the meat develop for 9 months before we cut it out! The, aha ha ha ha ha farm, was a very organic farm, we found her when she was 13!!! Ha ha ha ha ha”


Donald Trump was setting up a new Trump Taco chain when contacted by reporters. “What? What are you saying here? I can’t hear you because your words, look, they are basically crazy words, coming out of your mouth. Election? Yes, I know, I know this word election, I won it, it was huge, everyone was very satisfied, and now look, tacos, Trump tacos, 100% prime beef, sourced in Texas, made by Mexicans, the best Mexicans, the smartest, the best at tacos, premium produce.”

When reporters reminded him of the date, Trump shook his head. “No way. This whole damn thing went on so long, I’m 100% positive it finished back in August, and I won. Hey, I didn’t have time to do the President job, I delegated that, I have some very smart people, very capable and good people, and one of these smart people is doing the job.”

A Personal Assistant advised Donald Trump that no one is currently President and Congress and Senate have gone home. “Great, great, that’s fabulous news. Fabulous. Hey, you, Mr Reporter, do you eat tacos? Try these, delicious, my Mexicans made them just now.”

Reporters agreed that Donald Trump’s tacos were delicious and spent the rest of the day hanging around the kitchen with the erstwhile Presidential candidate, listening to his anecdotes about supermodels and business, and watching his Mexicans cook.