Month: November 2016

Trump under fire

A Huffington Post special:

Controversial billionaire sex attacker Donald Trump has come under fire from his own supporters and Alt-right cronies. In a statement released this morning, Adolf Hitler announced: “This is a shitty President. He is an absolutely and completely despicable and repulsive sham of a President.”

The reclusive Austrian Führer came out of his Amazon hideout to hold a press conference. CNN reporter Ephraim Goldstein asked: “Mr Hitler, do you support the President Elect Donald Trump, who plans to-”

The frail Führer interrupted: “Hold the gob you Jewish filth. I came here to say you this is a Jew-rotten President of a Jew-rotten nation. Oh, he’s going to build a wall. A fucking wall? What for shit is this? A wall? A wall? Against criminals trying to enter the land without the authorisation of all required offices? Where are the Trump secret police service? Why do the Jewish rabble shit forth their words all over this fucking internet, and the Secret State Police of Trump do nothing?  What art of a shitty President is this? I was sitting in my hut, eating a vegetable gruel, that is very healthful I may tell you, you, Jew boy, with the Jewfro, you stink of smoke. You are a smoker, or? You must give up the cigarettes, they are a Jewish invention, and you must eat cabbage and soups, then you will live to be two hundred, like me. Look at my moustache! It is very wonderful, or? Ja, so, I am sitting in my hovel, looking the news on my ipad, and I see Trump, and all the Jews are saying, He is Hitler, he is literally Hitler, and so I am naturally very interesting in this development, and he will resolve the Jewry, and Obama and the Clintons and the Jew media will be taken in night and fog, so to say. Then I see he is eating steak. Disgusting. I am showing the Jew papers, the Wall Street Jew, the Jew York Times, the Washington Jew, and they are saying, oh this terrible fascist man he is a racist and he is literally Hitler, and so I am thinking, Aha. And then I see he had been take the legal action to make Mar-a-Largo admit the Jew and the negro in nineteen hundred and ninety-seven. This good white place, a resort, in the so-called Palm Beach, and this so-called fascist wants it to let the ruination of Jewry and international negrohood in, the white man with Bolshevistic racial war to destroy? No, this so-called President I cannot and will not support.”

This comes as a hard blow to the secretive sexual assaulter billionaire, who earlier this week shocked the world by going to a restaurant without first informing the press.  Amid accusations of corruption and non-transparency, the controversial sexual assaulter billionaire ate dead animal meat with his white billionaire family.  “In a highly unusual move, President-elect Donald Trump on Tuesday night left his Manhattan residence without notifying the reporters covering him or giving any indication of where he was going,” reported NBC News. “The maneuver seemed to deliberately limit access to the media […] the Trump Administration is shaping up to be the least accessible to the public and the press in modern history.”

Things are looking bad for the controversial scandal-ridden billionaire. Trump’s hardcore supporters, including Alt-Right supremo Adolf Hitler, long associated with Breitbart and the entire alternative media, are ditching him and many are said to regret supporting a man often titled “literally Hitler.”

 

 

 

secret Trump supporters come out

President Obama, First Lady Michelle, and Hillary Clinton all voted for Donald Trump, it has emerged.

In an interview with Time Magazine, President Obama commented: “I stayed up late, with Michelle, to watch the Election. It was an extraordinary result, I think we, everyone, all our friends in the mainstream media, in Congress, in Senate, would agree. I cast my vote – for Donald Trump – ”

“Excuse me, Mr President,” interrupted Time journalist Saul Bloomstein, “Did you say you voted for Donald Trump?”

“Yes, that is correct. Now, we know that the President Elect and myself have had many significant differences, and of course I supported Secretary Clinton fully. However, I also personally, and here I am speaking personally, not as President of this great nation; personally Secretary Clinton and I also experienced certain difficulties, and as I was about to go to cast my vote, Secretary Clinton called me, from an insecure mobile phone belonging to the nephew of one of her aides, and told me I had better fucking get out there and campaign for her, or she would bury me deeper than Atlantis and I’d be lucky to get some fried chicken and watermelon, but I’d get all the gay cock I want, because I am a faggot and an embarrassment to her. And unfortunately, the timing, the timing here, meant that I changed my mind at the last minute, and voted for Donald Trump.”

potus_phone_tout

Michelle Obama told reporters: “Actually, I voted for Trump too, because we’re going to continue to live in DC, and in a nuclear exchange with Russia, we’d be the first to go.”

Hillary Clinton announced: “Donald Trump only won because of Russian hacks into my private email server, which I would have retaliated against with all the means at the President’s, that would have been me, disposal, up to and including military intervention. Donald Trump is a Russian agent. He wants to start a nuclear war and is dangerous and a sexist, a racist, Islamophobe, homophobe, a bigot. And also he only won because some people, like me, voted for him. I thought it would be a good joke to play on this bigot, to vote for him, and then when he lost to say, Gee Don, and I voted for you! But the FBI illegally interfered by investigating my private emails, which are only about my yoga classes.”

An FBI source told reporters: “We have discovered evidence that Donald Trump offered Hillary Clinton 10 dollars to vote for him, and she accepted.”

The investigation is ongoing.

Trump, Clinton, forget about Election

The US Presidential Election has been cancelled, after both Hillary Clinton and the controversial sex-scandal-ridden business magnate Donald Trump forgot to go.

Panic began when neither candidate turned up. The Secret Service were initially unable to locate Hillary. “She sometimes goes dark,” one anonymous agent said. “She likes to visit friends and wants it strictly off the books.”

The Secretary of State was found cooking “a healthy meat-based dish” in a friend’s kitchen. Apparently confused by the Secret Service’s mention of the Election, she laughed gaily, throwing chunks of unidentifiable meat around, and cackled, “But isn’t that over by now? It went on FOREVER! Ha ha ha ha ha!!!” She then offered meat pies to the agents, laughing: “It’s organic! Ha ha ha ha ha! Trust me, I watched the meat develop for 9 months before we cut it out! The, aha ha ha ha ha farm, was a very organic farm, we found her when she was 13!!! Ha ha ha ha ha”

hillary-shrieks

Donald Trump was setting up a new Trump Taco chain when contacted by reporters. “What? What are you saying here? I can’t hear you because your words, look, they are basically crazy words, coming out of your mouth. Election? Yes, I know, I know this word election, I won it, it was huge, everyone was very satisfied, and now look, tacos, Trump tacos, 100% prime beef, sourced in Texas, made by Mexicans, the best Mexicans, the smartest, the best at tacos, premium produce.”

When reporters reminded him of the date, Trump shook his head. “No way. This whole damn thing went on so long, I’m 100% positive it finished back in August, and I won. Hey, I didn’t have time to do the President job, I delegated that, I have some very smart people, very capable and good people, and one of these smart people is doing the job.”

A Personal Assistant advised Donald Trump that no one is currently President and Congress and Senate have gone home. “Great, great, that’s fabulous news. Fabulous. Hey, you, Mr Reporter, do you eat tacos? Try these, delicious, my Mexicans made them just now.”

Reporters agreed that Donald Trump’s tacos were delicious and spent the rest of the day hanging around the kitchen with the erstwhile Presidential candidate, listening to his anecdotes about supermodels and business, and watching his Mexicans cook.