Month: October 2016

Donald Trump Offends

A Huffington Post special:

Serial sexist offender Donald Trump has once more offended America.

Speaking at a press conference, Trump said: “I am here, I’ve been here for years, for a long time, and you know what, I was here in 2001, I remember, because I was here in ’98, I was here in the 20s, in the Civil War, I saw what happened, and believe me, we can do better.”

Immediately afterwards, New Yorkers Hanna and Joshua Goldberg experienced their first serious marital row. The couple, married since 2007, run a successful Democrat deli in Wiliamsburg, and Hanna sells New Age jewelry and handcrafts on Etsy.

Joshua, whose grandparents were murdered in the Holocaust by white men, said: “I came home and she was walking around with our Persian cat, Che, drunk as usual, listening to Paul Simon and crying. I asked why she hadn’t saved me any of our artisan Belorussian vodka and she threw Che at me and called me a manquestioner. I had to use a handcrafted Estonian hammer which broke on her head and then she tried to set me on fire because she is, frankly, a total neurotic cunt.”

Things were looking bleak for the marriage. And then Trump’s Nuremberg-style rally was suddenly broadcast on the couple’s plasma screen TV.

“One moment I was trying to restrain her,” Joshua explained. “And the next, I was weeping with the collective loss of the 6 million Holocaust victims.”

Hanna reported: “He was smashing me in the head and calling me a bitch and saying I was worse than his mother, and then we heard Trump’s voice and we both felt at once, in one beautiful heartbeat, the 6 million Holocaust victims and the endless nomadic sorrow of our beautiful race, and it was so emotional, because it was like I had died, six million times, at the hands of Trump.”

The couple were then able to patch up their differences.

“I was deeply ashamed of my righteous anger at her,” Joshua mused in an exclusive vegan-bondage-Polish-themed cafe. “Listening to Trump, the most despicable politician of the last thousand years, I realised I should be more forgiving of my wife. No matter how drunk and hysterical she becomes, she is at least a human being. Unlike Trump. He’s only human in the basest sense – and I mean base. He’s so filthy, so evil, he’s not even human. He’s worse than a maggot. He’s worse than a stone. He makes amoebas look classy. All the celebrities have attacked him. Louis CD, de Niro, everyone. He is Satan, I mean, I don’t, like, believe in that stuff but he is literally the Devil.”

“Seriously, he is worse than Hitler,” Hanna told reporters over a frappuccino, in a new Ethiopian jazz bar. “Trump is a billion times worse than the worst Hitler in the whole universe. I started crying because just seeing this white fascist triggered me, and then Josh was crying, and we cuddled and screamed ‘I hate you!’ at our little TV, over and over again, and then Che urinated on Josh and we made love like we were teenagers.”

“The Hebrews called it catharsis,” Joshua said, smiling and stroking his goatie. “Sure it was transgressive, it was raw, whatever it is, we were united in our righteous anger against Donald Trump. He is literally a billion times worse than Hitler and Charles Manson and George Bush and Jesus put together.”

Hillary Clinton, fresh from campaigning as America’s first women President and champion of the underclass and People of Color, said: “I do not comment on Russian sabotage.”

Donald Trump was cornered by fearless reporters at a rally later that day. The controversial business magnate sex scandalist capitalist pussy-grabbing rapist war-mongering corrupt Republican told reporters: “I’m the bringer of good things. I see people fighting, I think, Hey we don’t need to be doing this, this kind of thing. We can do a deal, we can work this out, that’s what I told the Beatles, and look at what they did, they made a song, a very good song, a nice song, I’m not saying I wrote it, I’m not a musician, look, these were four very pleasant, very intelligent young men from Huddersfield in England, and they made some very good music, I can’t agree with their hairstyles but my own hair is very special, and let me tell you, last week John Lennon said, Hey Donald, you know we made a lot of money, we’re successful, we’re thriving, and I said, John, I’m glad to hear that. And later, later that day, his people called me, and I was very interested, because that’s how I want America to work – we listen, we help each other, we can write songs, we can make deals, and together we can make America great. Do I alienate people? Yes I do, but ultimately I bring them together.”