Month: July 2016

EU unveils new anti-terrorism measures

After almost daily terrorist attacks in Europe, the EU has responded.

Smiling broadly, Hooarn van Griesel, Commissioner for Region 3 Cultural Disposition, told reporters today: “These terrible and inexplicable incidents have saddened all of us. In Nice, a truck killed dozens of innocent EU citizens celebrating the birth of the French Revolution, of liberty, freedom, equality of outcomes. A machete killed a woman in Reutlingen. An axe and a knife injured several people in Würzburg. A knife stabbed three individuals in a French resort. A Syrian refugee, fleeing war and hardship, was killed when a bomb exploded in Ansbach. A Catholic priest, who was old and white and not a Muslim, and probably a paedophile, had his head cut off with a knife.

“We are still searching for a cause for these terrible attacks on Western liberal democracy. Some individuals want to upset our values and our core brand identity. They want to make us afraid. But fear must not be our counsellor. We must be brave. We must stand together against extremism of all kinds. But be sure, we will not give in – we will be more tolerant, more understanding, more loving. Hatred will not triumph over love. Fear will not triumph over freedom. We will open our borders to the poor Muslim refugees fleeing oppression in Syria, and we will not demand documentation, we will not stand in the way of love and humanity. Everyone is now welcome in Europe, because that is what Europe stands for – welcome, humanity, diversity.

“But be assured, your rulers will take measures to prevent anything like this ever happening again. New and more extensive anti-Hate-Speech laws will be rolled out soon, making it an offence to criticise Islam or to use Hate Words like terrorist. We will not bow to hatred. We will not be ruled by fear. From 1 September, anyone who tries to criticise Islam or the EU will be subject to legal punishments up to and including public decapitation. And remember, thanks to new cooperations with Facebook, Twitter, and Youtube, we are watching you.”


New questions raised over Trump

Donald Trump is illiterate, it has emerged.

The GOP presumptive nominee’s educational deficit came out this morning. Trump gave a speech at Cleveland’s Kurp Institute this morning, but Social Justice Warriors infiltrated the event and replaced the teleprompter with a lengthy post-structuralist text about “Menstrual Marxist tautologies/revisionings with recursive ontology”.

“We thought it’d be, like, a totally random thing?” explained Mark Rogers, acting Coordinator of the “1917 Interplanary Love Commission”, a Menstrual Marxist sub-sect operating out of Cleveland University’s Arts Division. “Like, he’d read all this spacy shit about, like, feminist empowerment? We went for, like Judith Butler’s, like, really controversial, like, thing about, like, the patriarchy?”

The infiltrated teleprompter now read: “Regarding subversational liminalities and desire, the professional avows iriminically ‘avowed’ statement, predicapatriarched on ‘subjective’ ontologies” and so on for several thousand words. However, Trump neither faltered nor read the presented text.

trump 2

Instead of reading about “hypothetical transgressive heterohegemoniacalities”, Trump – seeming to not even notice the substitution – told a packed audience: “Listen, we are winning. Thousands of people are calling, they’re calling me, on my phone, actually it’s one of my phones, I have several phones, I have more than twenty, it’s an amazing thing, one phone for this, one phone for that, and I carry them. And then they say, ‘oh he’s not as rich as that’. Not that it matters, but I’m rich enough for more than twenty phones. And I said to myself, I have more than twenty phones. And I bring that up because I have cashflow, I have great suits, and you have to get a suit like this, look – our trade deals are not up to scratch – and whether you’re on the libertarian side, or the conservative side, or the Tea Party side, you can have a suit which holds twenty phones, that’s why people support me, hey, just yesterday Clinton came up to me and said, ‘Hey, can I do you the unmentionable off?’ and I said ‘Look at me, look at this suit. Twenty phones. How many do you have? Listen, Clinton, a phone salesman came to me last week, and he said, ‘Donald, what is it with people and suits these days? They don’t understand sartorial achievement anymore’.  And that’s a fact. By the way, I just left Los Angeles and I saw the biggest boats I’ve ever seen, packed with phones, packed with suits, packed with Clintons, packed with poor girls offering their unmentionables, packed with business. I thought, you’ve got to be kidding. And by the way, I love LA, I sell apartments for 10 cents on the dollar, one of my tenants, a Muslim, came to me, he said, ‘hey Donald-san, you God-Emperor’, and I said, ‘I love Muslims, I love you, but you got to stop blowing yourself up. Especially in our gay clubs. Listen, I was at a gay club last week, with a friend of mine, he works for one of those big shows, Huffington Evening, Saturday Night Live, and you know, he was, by the way, he was with me last night, and he said, ‘hey Donald, we’re loving what you’re doing, we’re loving your attitude, why can’t we find local politicians who speak like you?'”.

Ceries Jones, Social Justice Warrior and Activist-in-Power for the Cleveland-based group said: “This was, like,  totally different to what we put on the teleprompter?”

Security apprehended the Social Justice Warriors, who were released without charges. However, the Huffington Post took up the case and confronted Trump for “ignoring the teleprompter”. The real estate billionaire responded: “Hey, lady, I don’t read. People show me things, I just look over it, scanning the landscape, then I say something. I have a contract, I have to read it? – I scan it, I think, ‘what is best for my cashflow?’ – then I sign or I don’t sign, just last week a good friend of mine, Taylor Swift, a very nice young lady, she gave me a pre-nup, and I don’t read so I scanned it, like an eagle scanning the land, and I knew, and I said to her, I said to this very attractive, very smart young lady, ‘hey, I think my lawyers want to take a look at this”. And she cried, she wept, she was doing everything, but in the end it was the smart decision. We made a deal, and, by the way, it’s a good deal, not only for me, but for her too. And that’s how I do things. I make deals.”

Political commentators have questioned Trump’s legitimacy, in view of his admitted illiteracy. But, as Mervin Schwartz pointed out: “Look at where literacy has got us.”