Britain has violated the Human Rights Act and the Treaty on Peace and Love, and will be “destroyed with fire” EU Under-Commissioner on Human Rights and Goodness and Fishing Renegotiations in Region 2, Patrick van Woadhoone has announced.
Following the referendum shock, many have criticised Nigel Farage for being “a Nazi” and Boris Johnson for being”a fascist”, and called for both to be stoned to death by the Muslim Council for Brotherhood and Love in London.
“The European Project is too important to be derailed,” explained van Woadhoone to Brussels reporters early this morning, in his palatial office. Caressing a small boy, van Woadhoone laid out a 4-point plan to resolve the Brexit result.
Point 1: Crippling sanctions and a trade war against Britain. According to the EU Economics and Peace Council, this is “necessary to bring this mistaken people to the realisation that in a post-structuralist post-nation global economy, they cannot expect to reasonably prosper in fascist isolation.”
Point 2: Military intervention. The EU Commissioner for Peace and Cooperation told reporters: “The EU Army will intervene in a broad-spectrum approach, by sea and air initially, taking out major urban populations except London, and then the ground forces will move in to secure key positions and care for the populace. EU care-givers will move in to secure and dispose of terrorists and educate the population.”
Point 3: Public execution, following BBC show trials, of Nigel Farage, Michael Gove, Boris Johnson, and many other “ringleaders and terrorists.”
Point 4: Institution of a new EU democracy to replace the British fascist apparatus. Freedom squads will remove terrorists, including “Christians, white men, heterosexuals, and other far- right extremists”.
At this point, an elderly gentleman lurched into the office, smoking a cigar and naked but for a large tie, and told reporters: “Find him, get rid of him. I don’t care how it’s done, I don’t want to know, just get rid of him tonight.” Unfortunately, several cameras recorded footage of this private incident, violating EU Privacy Laws. Eye witnesses report that the man “absolutely wasn’t George Soros.”
UK Armed Forces representatives suggested the EU Secret Army may experience “difficulties” invading England, since the aforementioned Secret Army would no longer include the British Army, Royal Marines, and associated Special Forces. “Come on then, man, you get fucking nutted man, we’ll put ye down, like” commented an anonymous source in the Special Boat Service.
David Cameron declined to comment.