Month: June 2016

EU Declares War on Britain

Britain has violated the Human Rights Act and the Treaty on Peace and Love, and will be “destroyed with fire” EU Under-Commissioner on Human Rights and Goodness and Fishing Renegotiations in Region 2, Patrick van Woadhoone has announced.

Following the referendum shock, many have criticised Nigel Farage for being “a Nazi” and Boris Johnson for being”a fascist”, and called for both to be stoned to death by the Muslim Council for Brotherhood and Love in London.

“The European Project is too important to be derailed,” explained van Woadhoone to Brussels reporters early this morning, in his palatial office. Caressing a small boy, van Woadhoone laid out a 4-point plan to resolve the Brexit result.

Point 1: Crippling sanctions and a trade war against Britain. According to the EU Economics and Peace Council, this is “necessary to bring this mistaken people to the realisation that in a post-structuralist post-nation global economy, they cannot expect to reasonably prosper in fascist isolation.”

Point 2: Military intervention. The EU Commissioner for Peace and Cooperation told reporters: “The EU Army will intervene in a broad-spectrum approach, by sea and air initially, taking out major urban populations except London, and then the ground forces will move in to secure key positions and care for the populace. EU care-givers will move in to secure and dispose of terrorists and educate the population.”

Point 3: Public execution, following BBC show trials, of Nigel Farage, Michael Gove, Boris Johnson, and many other “ringleaders and terrorists.”

Point 4: Institution of a new EU democracy to replace the British fascist apparatus. Freedom squads will remove terrorists, including “Christians, white men, heterosexuals, and other far- right extremists”.

At this point, an elderly gentleman lurched into the office, smoking a cigar and naked but for a large tie, and told reporters: “Find him, get rid of him. I don’t care how it’s done, I don’t want to know, just get rid of him tonight.” Unfortunately, several cameras recorded footage of this private incident, violating EU Privacy Laws. Eye witnesses report that the man “absolutely wasn’t George Soros.”

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UK Armed Forces representatives suggested the EU Secret Army may experience “difficulties” invading England, since the aforementioned Secret Army would no longer include the British Army, Royal Marines, and associated Special Forces. “Come on then, man, you get fucking nutted man, we’ll put ye down, like” commented an anonymous source in the Special Boat Service.

David Cameron declined to comment.

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Brexit vote now “hate speech”

A Brexit would inevitably lead to Bremain, David Cameron has warned.

“We would have to look carefully at the political ramifications,” the PM told reporters this morning. “My duty is to serve the interests of the British people. This is the best country in the world, with the greatest history, traditions, pride, and all that could be thrown away by voting to leave the EU. Then, my duty would be to modify the results and present the British people with the correct decision, a decision made by Jean-Marie von Haalhezyk of the EU Commission on Region 3 Democratic Process and Development.”

Due to new EU regulations against hate speech, a Leave vote could also now be a criminal offence. “Look at the Dalai Lama,” Mr Cameron said. “He took a stand, against humanity, against supranational governance, against the Fourth Empire and international banking. He is now a hate criminal. He is on the wrong side of history.  He will, unfortunately, have to take the consequences of his hate speech.”

Speaking to the Frankfurter Allgemeine Zeitung last week, the Dalai Lama said: “Europe, for example Germany, cannot become an Arab country. Germany is Germany.”

Shortly afterwards, an EU police task force arrested the Dalai Lama and sent him on a military transport plane to China, where he will be executed following a fair trial.

“We cannot tolerate hate speech,” Mr Cameron insisted. “Those who vote to leave the EU are voting for nationalism, war, and hate, and by doing so they endanger the peace and prosperity of the entire world. They must face the consequences of their hate act. It is unfortunate that the Dalai Lama stood in the path of progress. Now he has been returned to Chinese jurisdiction, and we hope this will signal a new era of cooperation and harmony between the Chinese peoples and the peoples of a united Europe.”

As he was being bundled onto a military transport plane for extraordinary extradition and advanced interrogation in China, The Dalai Lama chuckled and told reporters: “I’ll be back.”

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Ali murder revelation shocks world

Mohammed Ali was the victim of a political assassination, David Cameron has revealed.

Speaking to journalists and Muslim representatives at a Brexit press conference, Cameron explained: “look, Brexit would be an economic nuke under your chair, while you’re having a simple kitchen supper. One moment you’re munching happily away on foie gras and caviar on crackers, the next you’re Hiroshimoed. Look, it’s simple, look, I mean, if you vote to leave, we’ll just rig the machines and lie and no one’ll ever be the wiser. What I mean is, I mean, Cthulhu WANTS you to vote Brexit, he’ll come out of the watery deeps and escalate this to another dimension. I mean, what I’m basically saying is, Brexit will kill Mohammed.”

Some of those present responded: “kill the white devil innit” and the atmosphere became, in the words of one journalist “tense”. Then the PM continued: “Mohammed Ali, of course. He passed away yesterday. Well, my sources, MI6 and chaps like that, indicate it wasn’t so simple. He was murdered. By Brexit. By populists and far-right extremists, white people basically, he was murdered by white people who don’t want to be part of the Fourth Empire, I mean, um, basically, I mean Nicholas Farage had Ali assassinated, because Farage and people like him are far-right hate-speaking white people, which is basically all white people isn’t it, you see, and they killed Ali because he was the Greatest, wasn’t he? So vote for Bremain and I can guarantee the return of Ali, and of Mohammed, yes, the Prophet will return if we stay in the Greater German Territories.”

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Mr Cameron then had to quickly leave, as several of those present began to threaten him with death and mutilation for “blasphemy”. Henriette Samstad-Rjelligen, Head of the EU Region 3 Committee on Peace and Joy clarified later: “The British PM has been under a great deal of strain recently, due to attempted assassinations by Brexnazis putting nuclear devices under his chair. He in no way believes Bremain will necessarily bring the Prophet, may his Name be forever holy, back, though a EU committee has not necessarily ruled it out, either. However, Brexit will lead to genocide and Mohammed Ali would, clearly, have voted to stay in the EU for greater independence, self-determination, and economic integration, and those who vote against Mohammed Ali slander the name of the Prophet and will be thrown off a mountain and then tied to the back of a goat and sodomized, in accordance with EU protocols for Regions 1 – 5 with special reference to Mandate 3.944i.”

Papal gaffe offends 1.6 billion people

Pope Francis has apologised to all Muslims everywhere for what has been condemned as “white CIS-gendered theology.” Speaking to the UN Ecumenical Commission and Sub-Committee for Region 3 on Monday, Pope Francis announced: “Christianity must engage with the entire world.  We Christians must show an inclusive and tolerant love of all humanity regardless of belief systems or lifestyle. Many are needlessly afraid of Islam – a beautiful religion which has spread peace and prosperity throughout the Middle East, Africa, Sweden. Today, I want to speak against this fear. We must understand Islam and our fellow human beings. In the contemporary world, Jesus is present in the faces of our neighbours, our Muslim neighbours who often live in terrible poverty, in warzones, where brother kills brother. We must build a just and equal society where our Muslim friends can take their place by our side. I have therefore canonized Mohammed. The great prophet of the religion of peace is now Saint Mohammed. Hallelujah! Let us rejoice together with all peoples!”

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Immediately afterwards, Mohammed al-Akhmad, Head of the European Union Council for International Cooperation and Peace  told reporters: “Two million dollar for man who kill this dog. He insult the Prophet he die now. Kill with machete, kill with the holy AK-47, kill with fist, kill with strangle, kill with drowning, kill with wild horse, kill with Taharrush, throw dog off building, crush dog with wall, wall must be stone and each stone square and not contaminate with Jew.”

The Huffington Post commented: “Pope Francis’ statement is a crass statement of privilege and whiteness. This is white CIS-gendered theology. By attempting to canonize the Prophet, he perpetuates the problematic and divisive stereotype, which can only lead to further tensions between the religion of peace and Western capitalism, going back to the Middle Ages, of crusaders discriminating – often violently but always from a position of power and unfair privilege – against Islam. This is precisely the kind of rhetoric Donald Trump expouses.”

Pope Francis responded by offering absolution for all sins, and a full apology to all Muslims. “This is an unfortunate misunderstanding,” he told reporters. “I feel only love and admiration for my Muslim children.”

Mohammed Bin Shariff, a prominent leader in the Muslim community, vowed “death and death and more death” to Pope Francis for his apology, adding: “It is not possible that this white devil had 1.6 billion children. I have ten wives, and I have taken many war brides, and even I am not having so many sons.”

Pope Francis was unavailable for comment.