David Bowie will return from the dead in time for a Christmas charity concert, a local Satanist has confirmed.
“I was messing around with my ouiji board,” explained Dave Wilkins, a Satanist based just outside Barnsley. “It kept saying BOWIE BOWIE BOWIE. I got a bit confused and thought it was the Devil and He wanted me to bow to Him. So I was bowing and then the next message was: STOP BOWING YOU TWAT. THIS IS DAVID BOWIE.”
Bowie confirmed that he is dead. He is now in an undisclosed location in the afterlife. “I thought it could be Hell,” Wilkins told reporters. “Bowie said there’s loads of rooms with red curtains, and armchairs with people who say weird things. I thought it might be an advert for fancy perfume or something but Bowie said DON’T BE STUPID.”
“He’s going to come back in time for Christmas,” Wilkins reported. “He’s made some kind of crystal and says he can use it to open a portal to our world. He says he’s already mentally recorded a new album because there’s always weird music in the afterlife. After the charity concert, he’s going to start indiscriminately killing people to FEED THE CRYSTAL, but I think he was joking. Anyway, he won’t come to Barnsley so I don’t care.”
Many have expressed alarm at the prospect of David Bowie returning from the dead with some kind of crystal. However, Pope Francis reassured journalists: “Peace and love are essential if we are to make progress in the new millenium. True Christians worship Christ by loving human beings irrespective of their religion.”