Month: April 2016

Bowie to return for Christmas special

David Bowie will return from the dead in time for a Christmas charity concert, a local Satanist has confirmed.


“I was messing around with my ouiji board,” explained Dave Wilkins, a Satanist based just outside Barnsley. “It kept saying BOWIE BOWIE BOWIE. I got a bit confused and thought it was the Devil and He wanted me to bow to Him. So I was bowing and then the next message was: STOP BOWING YOU TWAT. THIS IS DAVID BOWIE.”

Bowie confirmed that he is dead. He is now in an undisclosed location in the afterlife. “I thought it could be Hell,” Wilkins told reporters. “Bowie said there’s loads of rooms with red curtains, and armchairs with people who say weird things. I thought it might be an advert for fancy perfume or something but Bowie said DON’T BE STUPID.”

“He’s going to come back in time for Christmas,” Wilkins reported. “He’s made some kind of crystal and says he can use it to open a portal to our world. He says he’s already mentally recorded a new album because there’s always weird music in the afterlife. After the charity concert, he’s going to start indiscriminately killing people to FEED THE CRYSTAL, but I think he was joking. Anyway, he won’t come to Barnsley so I don’t care.”

Many have expressed alarm at the prospect of David Bowie returning from the dead with some kind of crystal. However, Pope Francis reassured journalists: “Peace and love are essential if we are to make progress in the new millenium. True Christians worship Christ by loving human beings irrespective of their religion.”




Sweden depressed

Sweden has been diagnosed with depression by researchers from the University of Huddersfield.


Anthropologists Phil Bolton and Mohammed Hussein visited Sweden on Saturday, and found his house in a state of disrepair. “The windows were all broken and there was a dead prostitute in the garden,” reports Bolton.

Sweden answered the door in his pyjamas. “He stank of alcohol and there were bits of dried egg on his sleeve,” Bolton says. “He hadn’t shaved in weeks. He’s really gone downhill since the last visit.”

The University of Huddersfield (then Huddersfield Polytechnic) sent a team of anthropologists to Sweden in 1980. Bolton, now 67, was then a junior researcher. The 1980 report describes Sweden as looking like Marvel’s Thor, tall and muscular and healthy. “Now he looks like Tom Waits,” Hussein reports. “His eyes were bloodshot and he was missing a finger on his left hand.”

Sweden took the researchers into the kitchen, where the sink was blocked up and there was a slice of toast butter-side down on the floor. He could only offer tap water, homemade spirits, and cheap cigarettes, having apparently run out of money several weeks ago.

“We could hear some kind of gangster rap coming from the living room, and people shouting drunkedly and smashing things. Sweden said it was better if we stayed in the kitchen,” Bolton reports. “When I asked if everything was okay, he snapped “that’s racist” and then started crying. However, he immediately stopped crying and then kept smiling at us.”

Throughout the visit, Sweden smiled at the two researchers. “He kept telling me how much better things are now, compared to the 1980 expedition,” Bolton says, “Even though the house was spotlessly clean and very luxurious then, and looks like a crack den now. I didn’t want to ask him about the broken windows and the smashing noises. He kept taking Prozac and grinning.”

Sweden demonstrated difficulties in walking and sitting down, explaining “I’ve been bum raped a lot.” When Hussein asked where the rapists came from, Sweden shouted: “that’s racist! It was my fault for not being tolerant enough.”

The researchers cut their visit short. As they left, Sweden fell on his knees before Hussein, crying. “He apologised for everything,” Hussein reports. “I didn’t know what he was talking about but he just kept apologising. Then he said I could live with him if I want, that he’d pay for everything and he’s going to get a new bank loan and he leaves his credit cards lying around, and would never call the police because that’s racist. He said I could rape him if I want. When I told him I have a girlfriend he called me a CIS-gendered fascist and threw a blood-covered children’s shoe at my head. He tried to kick me but couldn’t because he’d been bum raped so much.”

Sweden has been praised for his generous assistance to less privileged individuals, and has pledged to accommodate “everyone”.

“I think he’s probably depressed,” Bolton concludes.




Trudeau to win Nobel Prize for something

Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau will win a Nobel Prize for something, the Nobel Foundation announced this morning.


“We wanted to give him a Nobel for Everything,” enthused Hillevi Larsson. “Because he looks so nice. Why isn’t there a Nobel Prize for handsomeness?”

It is speculated that Trudeau will be awarded the Nobel Prize for Physics, in recognition of his profound insights into quantum computing. The Canadian premier astonished an audience at the Perimeter Institute for Theoretical Physics on April 15, first prompting the audience to ask him about quantum computing, and then ignoring a question about ISIL in order to launch into a brief recitation on quantum computing. His insights and expertise have been received with worldwide acclaim.

If Trudeau is granted the Nobel Prize for Physics he will join the ranks of Albert Einstein, Erwin Schrödinger, Murray Gell-Mann, Wolfgang Pauli, Enrico Fermi, Werner Heisenberg, Niels Bohr, Max Planck, and Marie Curie. It is believed that Trudeau has heard of Einstein.

When asked how he feels about his probable Nobel Prize for Physics, the Prime Minister stared blankly and then said, “A regular computer bit is either a one or a zero, either on or off. A quantum state can be much more complex than that, because as we know, things can be both particle and wave at the same time and the uncertainty around quantum states allows us to encode more information into a much smaller computer. So that’s what’s exciting about quantum computing.”

Then he looked awkwardly about.


Springsteen next in 2016

Springsteen is next, sources have confirmed.

Following the death of Prince on 21 April, media commentators have speculated on “who’s next”. Using an algorithm, academics at the University of Huddersfield have identified Bruce Springsteen.

“Prince covered Heroes,” Professor Keeley explained. “Then Springsteen covered Purple Rain.”

Springsteen, 66, recently cancelled his North Carolina concerts in protest against HB2, a strain of flu resistant to conventional antibiotics.