Trump under fire

A Huffington Post special: Controversial billionaire sex attacker Donald Trump has come under fire from his own supporters and Alt-right cronies. In a statement released this morning, Adolf Hitler announced: “This is a shitty President. He is an absolutely and completely despicable and repulsive sham of a President.” The reclusive Austrian Führer came out of…

secret Trump supporters come out

President Obama, First Lady Michelle, and Hillary Clinton all voted for Donald Trump, it has emerged. In an interview with Time Magazine, President Obama commented: “I stayed up late, with Michelle, to watch the Election. It was an extraordinary result, I think we, everyone, all our friends in the mainstream media, in Congress, in Senate,…

Trump, Clinton, forget about Election

The US Presidential Election has been cancelled, after both Hillary Clinton and the controversial sex-scandal-ridden business magnate Donald Trump forgot to go. Panic began when neither candidate turned up. The Secret Service were initially unable to locate Hillary. “She sometimes goes dark,” one anonymous agent said. “She likes to visit friends and wants it strictly…

Donald Trump Offends

A Huffington Post special: Serial sexist offender Donald Trump has once more offended America. Speaking at a press conference, Trump said: “I am here, I’ve been here for years, for a long time, and you know what, I was here in 2001, I remember, because I was here in ’98, I was here in the…

EU unveils new anti-terrorism measures

After almost daily terrorist attacks in Europe, the EU has responded. Smiling broadly, Hooarn van Griesel, Commissioner for Region 3 Cultural Disposition, told reporters today: “These terrible and inexplicable incidents have saddened all of us. In Nice, a truck killed dozens of innocent EU citizens celebrating the birth of the French Revolution, of liberty, freedom,…

New questions raised over Trump

Donald Trump is illiterate, it has emerged. The GOP presumptive nominee’s educational deficit came out this morning. Trump gave a speech at Cleveland’s Kurp Institute this morning, but Social Justice Warriors infiltrated the event and replaced the teleprompter with a lengthy post-structuralist text about “Menstrual Marxist tautologies/revisionings with recursive ontology”. “We thought it’d be, like,…

EU Declares War on Britain

Britain has violated the Human Rights Act and the Treaty on Peace and Love, and will be “destroyed with fire” EU Under-Commissioner on Human Rights and Goodness and Fishing Renegotiations in Region 2, Patrick van Woadhoone has announced. Following the referendum shock, many have criticised Nigel Farage for being “a Nazi” and Boris Johnson for…

Brexit vote now “hate speech”

A Brexit would inevitably lead to Bremain, David Cameron has warned. “We would have to look carefully at the political ramifications,” the PM told reporters this morning. “My duty is to serve the interests of the British people. This is the best country in the world, with the greatest history, traditions, pride, and all that…

Ali murder revelation shocks world

Mohammed Ali was the victim of a political assassination, David Cameron has revealed. Speaking to journalists and Muslim representatives at a Brexit press conference, Cameron explained: “look, Brexit would be an economic nuke under your chair, while you’re having a simple kitchen supper. One moment you’re munching happily away on foie gras and caviar on…

Papal gaffe offends 1.6 billion people

Pope Francis has apologised to all Muslims everywhere for what has been condemned as “white CIS-gendered theology.” Speaking to the UN Ecumenical Commission and Sub-Committee for Region 3 on Monday, Pope Francis announced: “Christianity must engage with the entire world.  We Christians must show an inclusive and tolerant love of all humanity regardless of belief…

Rebel realises he is The Man

Professional Marxist revolutionary Rupert Whittington, 58, has realised that he is, in fact, The Man. “It came as quite a shock, yeah?” he told reporters on Friday evening, over a nice little dinner at the Auberge du Lion d’Or. Washing down foie gras and filet de bœuf « Angus » d’Irlande asperges vertes, poêlée de…

Man arrested for drawing cartoon of arrest of arrest

A cartoonist has been arrested for drawing a cartoon of the arrest of a comedian who made a joke about the arrest of Markus Meechan, a North Lanarkshire call centre worker whose girlfriend owns a pug. Meechan, 28, filmed his girlfriend’s pug raising its right paw as he called “Sieg Heil!” and “gas the Jews”…